The standardized testing landscape is ever-evolving. What hasn’t changed, however - test anxiety, pressures students feel, perceptions of what’s at stake, and the idea of what these tests represent. That’s a lot to manage mentally for what feels like a life defining test for a young adult trying to take one of the first steps in their next academic journey.
While coaching hundreds of students for these exams, I’ve had a firsthand look at what the students are feeling and often times they share with me the narrative they’re receiving from those who influence their education, particularly their parents.
What are the common thoughts expressed? I have to do this to not let down my parents, I’m not smart if I don’t get X score on the exam. I’m just bad at Y subject. My parents want me to get this specific score. I have to do this to please them. I feel pressure to perform.
Naturally, many students are hesitant to share these feelings with their parents out of fear of disappointment or worries that it will come off as a place to “hide”. I’ve seen these factors hinder not only students with weakness in testing or the skills that lead to higher scoring, but also the stronger student who is likely for the first time meeting adversity academically.
Given my encounters and experience, I feel as if I can somewhat attest to what not to do at home and what can help:
A) Don’t put scores in your student’s head. Yes goals and targets are appropriate to casually discuss. But if the conversation is purely result focused, students will likely not allow themselves to invest in their losses and failures along the way to incrementally reaching their true best score.
“Some students that have been influenced by their parents or students to say “I’m smart at this” attribute their success or failure to an ingrained and unalterable level of ability. They see their intelligence or skill level as fixed. Others view success and skill as incremental and tend to describe their results with phrases such as “ I got it because I worked very hard at it” or “ I should have tried harder”. They believe with hard work difficult material can be grasped incrementally. Research shows that the incremental student rises to the occasion and fixed thinkers are prone to quitting amidst adversity.
In fact, some of the brightest kids prove to be the most vulnerable to becoming helpless, because they feel they need to live up to and maintain a perfectionist image that is easily and inevitably shattered.
Fixed mindsets tend to have received parental or instructional styles that tell students they did well when they succeed and they weren’t good at something when they fail thus linking success and failure to ingrained ability. Incremental thinkers will receive feedback that is more process oriented, which creates an association of effort with success and a journey perspective.
Many students are quite talented, so they can excel quickly, but when they hit a road block they don’t know how to respond. They try to avoid challenges, but eventually the real world adversity finds them. Their confidence is fragile. Losing or poor performance is always a crisis instead of an opportunity for growth. If they were a winner because they won, the new losing must make them a loser.”
- The Art of Learning - Josh Waitzkin
B) Another critical factor is comparison. Bringing up the neighbor’s score, rambling about sibling performances, and my personal pet peeve -unknowingly bragging about your own performance. Students are already hearing about all of their peers scores at school. The last thing they need is a reminder of how well everyone else did.
Sometimes parents can find their own sense of well being fluctuating with their student’s performance. This is common among substantial, sensitive, and intelligent parents that don’t want to put extra burden on their student’s shoulders. You want to tell them it doesn’t matter but that would be an insult to their intelligence.
- The Art of Learning - Josh Waitzkin
C) What helps? Making clear that this test is just a small piece of the puzzle by highlighting all of the other factors that come into play on a student’s path to college and career. Place an emphasis in your discussions on process over results. Sprinkle in the casual reminder that this is low pressure and ask open ended questions about their thoughts on the process.
“To help you can take a process first approach by making the everyday feedback respond to effort over results. Praise good concentration, a good day’s work, a lesson learned. When they succeed the spotlight should be on the road to that moment and beyond as opposed to glory. That said, it doesn’t mean denial of the obvious emotional moment. Little wins along the way should be celebrated.
When it comes to a loss, first of all parents shouldn’t say that it doesn’t matter, because your student knows better than that and lying about the situation isolates them in their pain.
What’s helpful is asking if they know what happened. The student will have some idea about their psychological or otherwise slip, and taking on that issue will be a short term goal in the continuing process - introspective thinking of this nature can be a very healthy coping mechanism. Through this sort of dialogue, the student can learn that every loss is an opportunity for growth. They will become more astute psychologically and sensitive to bad habits.”
-The Art of Learning - Josh Waitzkin
In the end, shifting the focus away from results, limiting comparison, and emphasizing process will create a healthy and productive testing experience. A heartfelt, empathetically present, incrementally inspiring parent, teacher, or coach can liberate an ambitious child.